I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
