my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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