if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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