I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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