don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
high people should be assigned attendants
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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