I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
