im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
