I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
