Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
