things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
