She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
