im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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