I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
