i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
