Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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