She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
