Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
