so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
