I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
