just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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