textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
