I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
