is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
