my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
