She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
