I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
