my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
