Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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