I think my vagina is haunted
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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