ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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