I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
