My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You left your phone here
Wait...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
