just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
im holly from the hills drunk
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize