I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if only i could text you this smell
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
