Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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