You're my little dorito
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
