drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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