hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
