her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Randomize
