Apparently you make a good broom.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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