I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
