DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
