just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
