i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
