You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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