If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We left the knife in your bed.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
