I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
