I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
