Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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