he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She bit a glass in half.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
