youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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