so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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