she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
