o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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