I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
