I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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