her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize