When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
