you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
We got so high we made milksteak
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
