I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
