My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
