So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
