Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
