My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
