My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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