My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
