Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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