Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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